an even deeper blue

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Jennie

“’From the indigo, an even deeper blue.’ This passage means that, if one dyes something repeatedly in indigo, it becomes even bluer than the indigo leaves.” –Nichiren Diashonin

Since I first started practicing this Buddhism 20 years ago (wow really?) this passage has stood out for me.  It has changed significance over the years.  At first it was about following my mentor’s path in fighting for world peace and becoming a deep blue activist for human rights.  Then it meant keeping up a consistent practice of meditation every morning and evening to deepen the color of faith.  When I got married, I wore a blue dress and had a Buddhist ceremony promising to continue to grow and develop that precious relationship.  Now this passage is all about my children.  I want so much for them to surpass me in terms of riches of the heart.  I wish for them an unshakable happiness and a life full of discoveries.  The how-to-build-this-life-for-them part is a bit fuzzy though.  Clearly I don’t keep the cleanest house and frequently wash the whites with the darks, and there’s a pile of unsorted socks in the laundry room with pairs the kids have grown out of by now.  But the house is relatively peaceful (except when it’s not) and I try and support my kids in what they like to do, and encourage them to get up at a Buddhist meeting and read a poem, and let them experience extreme boredom until a brilliant idea of something fun flashes into their brains.   I try and do my best while learning from all the crazy things I try–like coaching my son’s soccer team even though I’d never even played the game before.   So hopefully someday after getting washed in the indigo of our family life the kids will turn out stronger than I with a heart filled with hope, never letting go of their dreams, and with a seeking spirit to learn and do more.

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Posted in Buddhism, Motherhood | 1 Comment

Too comfortable?

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Jennie

I tend to like all things comforting: soft beds, yummy food, fuzzy pets, warm socks, clean kitchens, and enjoyable fiction I can put down at any moment if it gets too intense. I shy away from all things uncomfortable: conflict and exercise being at the top of the list. A nice long walk with Wado dog is comforting. A three mile run is not. The thing about comfort is—it only lasts so long. Eventually a challenge will come up. And that’s how I grow and become a better person. Tackling a mountain will involve learning and strengthening aspects of myself that need to be faced and examined in order for me to transform into the best Jennie I can be. Instead of sitting in comfort until the ordeals find me, I should strive toward continual growth—which means marching up the mountain and saying to the universe, “Bring It!” But how easy is it to sit back and enjoy the status quo? I want to be the person to stand up for injustice even though it’s unpleasant. I can start by making hard decisions, and having those tricky conversations, and going back to hot yoga. Maybe I should be wary of comfort—because in it I’ve hit the pause button. Can I change into someone who enjoys rollercoasters and willingly signs up to complete a triathlon? Maybe I need to be more involved in the community, getting a chance to stand up for what is right and fair. I remember in my 20’s being so quick to take up the cause of everyone struggling to voice an inequality. I didn’t seek out comfort as I do now—I zipped through my karma at a surprising rate, altering myself as needed. There are countless things I don’t want to revive about that period in my life, but I would like to have back that ability to walk away from comfort and strive toward a passion. As I ponder all of this, I’m just going to slip on a pair of cozy socks and pour myself a glass of wine.

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Posted in Random Shit | 8 Comments

A Raccoon as Big as a Small Child

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Jennie

I’ve been having a hard time getting Wado dog inside at night. Unless it’s raining, he’d rather protect the family from deer and small critters. I wouldn’t mind so much except for when things like this morning happen. Everyone on our quiet street knows our dog by name. At some point most everyone has come by the house to talk with me about my dog. Mostly it’s complaints about his barking but I’ve heard that he hunts the neighborhood cats and routinely wanders into people’s yards when he escapes (I really should have named him Houdini dog). It also disturbs the folks next door when I call for him at night, but I’m so desperate to get him in for fear of having “another one of those mornings”. So should I have been surprised when before dawn I hear Wado dog barking as if he’s on fire? I don’t understand acoustical science but somehow the hill behind our house amplifies the sound of his bark, making it incredibly loud—particularly at 4am. This is when most of the small critter incidents happen. It must be small furry party time. Dearest Husband bolts out of bed and runs outside. Wado dog has cornered a raccoon as big as a small child who is putting up a good fight. DH is screaming which only adds to the commotion but doesn’t in any way give Wado dog pause. The last time this happened, a neighbor called the county and Wado dog was quarantined for a month for fear of rabies. I can just imagine what the fall out will be this time. In the end, the raccoon took off and Wado dog survived with a few scratches on his nose and a sore paw. When the sun finally came up I found him curled up in fresh hole right in the middle of my rose bed.

That Wado Dog!

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Posted in Wado Dog | 14 Comments

And that’s why I wear comfortable shoes…

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Jennie

It all started with a comment from Dearest Husband.

DH: I like those shoes.
Me: Which?
DH: The high heel platform ones.
Me: Really?
DH: You know most women wear heels.

Platform Pumps

OK a little background for those of you unfamiliar with my stunning array of footwear. My most expensive pairs of shoes include my red cowboy boots and my Chaco sandals. Just about everything else I got at goodwill or a garage sale. So when I noticed a shoe warehouse next to my favorite coffee shop, the above conversation flashed into my head. Just a week away was a school potluck which was actually catered. (You can probably guess what the attire is like for a catered potluck dinner…) It occurred to me that I could pop into the shoe warehouse and pick up a pair of sexy shoes to wear to the potluck. Just my luck there was an entire section of platform pumps. I found a perfect pair that went with a grey dress already in my closet. And then I tried them on. Now I danced in 3 inch heels as Cha Cha in a middle school production of Grease—but there was no way I could walk across the store much less make it through an entire event. What was a girl to do? I bought them anyway. Eliciting advice from all the women I know who wear unbelievably high heels, (which mostly—ok only—included my very fashionable and stunning boss) I learned that the best thing is to practice on carpet a little every day. By the end of the week I could walk across the room, stumble up the stairs and was incredibly uncomfortable. In the end I decided that it was best to enjoy myself at the party and not obsess about my feet all night. Now I don’t have any data to support DH’s statement about most women, but I’m sure about one thing: I’m not like most women–which is why DH married me in the first place.

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Posted in Random Shit | 32 Comments

Dog Walk

Posted on September 22, 2011 by Jennie

On the hill behind my house there’s a patch of open space studded with Eucalyptus and Brume.  It overlooks our little tie-dyed town.  Today instead of taking a challengingly hot yoga class, I took the dog for a hike up the hill.  Wado dog looked very sad this afternoon curled up in a thin line of shade—being a dog can be so boring—so I couldn’t help but to call out the words Walk Wado Walk!  He ran up to me with not just his tail but his entire back end wagging, hardly looking like a 10 year old.  Along the way he lifted his leg until he ran dry and sniffed every other dog’s scent.  It’s easy to get up a steep hill when you stop to catch the whiff of dog sign every few feet.  As you go up, the houses get pricier and the yards look professionally kept.  When we were looking to buy a house my daughter had one single non negotiable request: Do not buy a house on a hill.  This seemed completely reasonable and made for a much better mortgage, so we bought at the base of a hill.  The family can hop on our bikes and ride into town without a climb, which I love.  Still I can enjoy the hill on days like today.  Just as you go into the open space there’s a clearing with a wide angle view. I was tempted to let Wado run off leash—but getting him back could prove to be nothing less than a giant nightmare.  He wasn’t aware of his fleeting chance of freedom and seemed perfectly content.  Just for fun I take a different way down.

on a hike with Wado Dog

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Posted in Wado Dog | 9 Comments

For Love of Sweat

Posted on September 9, 2011 by Jennie

OK so I have a weird relationship to sweat.  I’ve never been much of a sweater myself, having never had the opportunity to really get sweaty.  When I first met my husband I put on his drenched t-shirt after a dance class.  Yea I was loving that!  But 3 weeks ago I took my first Bikram yoga class and for the first time sweated profusely.  Let me explain real quick that Bikram is Hatha yoga done in a 105 plus degree room.  If the yoga doesn’t kick your butt, the heat will.  During class my eyes are blurred with drips.  I completely soak my towel every time.  My pores open up and cry. Afterwards I float home and am literally on a yoga high until bed.  I’m completely addicted to Bikram–I wish my schedule allowed for me to do it everyday.  It’s not just about the sweat.  I love really pushing myself to complete exhaustion–again something I’ve never done (except maybe in child birth.)  Even when I used to run I never went past my wall–I’d stop every time it got really hard.  The last 3 weeks I have been driving myself past all comfort zones into the tremendously challenging brink of…well…it feels sorta like you’re about to die.  But you don’t die.  You struggle through and stay in the hot room, stretching and twisting until at last you walk out feeling better than you ever have before.  There is a lesson there somewhere.

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Posted in Bikram Yoga | 4 Comments

Determined Prayer

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Jennie

Over the past few days I have been praying for someone to get a job. Buddhist prayer isn’t about asking or making a request. Buddhist prayer is about getting in sync with the rhythm of the universe and making something happen. Here’s a quote from Nichiren Diashonin who taught us how to pray writing, “I am praying that, no matter how troubled the times may become, the Lotus Sutra and the ten demon daughters will protect all of you, praying as earnestly as though to produce fire from damp wood, or to obtain water from parched ground.” I pray every morning and every night but how often do I pray with such fervent determination? Over the past few days I have prayed until I was absolutely sure that she would get the job beyond a shadow of a doubt. Needless to say–she got the job! Now if only I could pray like that all the time!

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Posted in Buddhism | 1 Comment

Home Alone

Posted on June 22, 2011 by Jennie

I’m home alone for an entire week.  This hasn’t happened since before I was married with kids–even then I lived in a co-op and was rarely alone in the house.  After dropping the kids off (at 2 different airports–oh the things we do to get a little me time) I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I had grand plans of cleaning out a closet or two…maybe going shopping for some summer clothes.  Instead I lounged around and watched Hulu and enjoyed not cooking or doing any laundry.  I read a book for a book club.  Enjoyed some wine.  Also I chanted with a friend and took a Zumba class.  Working is keeping me off the streets and from going totally insane.  The thing is the house is too quiet.  It’s unnatural really.  There should be stomping up and down the stairs and at the very least a constant flow of questions about what’s for dinner and what activity we’re doing next.  And to make matters worse–because I know I’ll regret not enjoying myself–I got a postcard from my daughter at camp.  She’s been telling me lately that it embarrasses her when I call myself “Mommy” in front of other people.  A simple “Mom” is fine.  So I’ve been trying to accommodate this request, but the word just pops out of my mouth (more often that you’d think for an acceptable use of the word.)   So in the postcard she says that I can call myself “Mommy” anytime I want because she misses me so much.  It reduced me to tears.  I seriously don’t know what to do with myself.  I will probably start enjoying the stillness on Friday just before I pick her up.

JH6B6TN8EHHX

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Posted in Motherhood | 1 Comment

Nuclear Disarmament Now!

Posted on June 13, 2011 by Jennie

To think that a nation possessing nuclear weapons will never be provoked to use them is a delusion.  The existence of weapons of mass destruction means the probability of human extinction or at least the end to life on Earth as we know it.  I want a better future for my children.  Here’s a quote I thought very poignant by the German philosopher Karl Jaspers, “We can enjoy the happiness of existence in the interim granted to us.  But it is a last respite.  Either we avert the deadly peril or prepare for the catastrophe…  Today we stand poised on the razor’s edge.  We have to choose to plunge into the abyss of man’s lostness, and the consequent extinction of all earthly life, or to take the leap to the authentic man and his boundless opportunities through self-transformation.”  We have the power through individual self transformation to change the course of history.  We can choose to fight for a future filled with hope or we can live in apathy and delusion and think that war and destruction will never happen to us.  I choose hope!

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Posted in Nuclear Disarmament | 1 Comment

Ignorance or Apathy

Posted on June 5, 2011 by Jennie

Let me start with a quote by David Krieger who is the President of the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation: “The issue of nuclear threat, whether by terrorists or government, like so many other critical issues, is surrounded by thick layers of ignorance and apathy.  To change the world, we must bring forth butterflies of hope from the cocoons of ignorance and apathy that surround them.  The best place to begin is with ourselves.  We must emerge from our own cocoons as positive agents of change.”

Ignorance and apathy play their part in my life for sure.  I feel cocooned enough in my Northern California home to leave the doors unlocked and rarely go anywhere I feel unsafe.  Am I ignorant of the predominate pain and suffering in the world?  Most days I am.  Apathetic to the plight of people living in the neighborhoods I specifically avoid?  Yes.  World peace and nuclear disarmament start with each of us waking up to the world (not just on a global level) around us–our surrounding communities.  The people who need our help the most might just be our neighbors.  Thinking of how I can become a positive agent of change…

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Posted in Nuclear Disarmament | 2 Comments